Up and Doing

How did I spend my valentine?
I went on a romantic date with sleep.
He took me in his car.
He called her Sweet Dreams.
We had breakfast in London,
Lunch in Hawaii
and Dinner in Paris.
All in one day!
I fell in love with that wonderful man, Sleep.
He was a 'dream come true'


During dinner, he asked me to marry him.
I was speechless.
It was the most romantic proposal ever,
in the city of my dreams,
It was perfect.
But amid my joy, I hesitated.
'Why am I stopping?', I ask myself.
My subconscious replied.
'Because I'm here, you idiot!'
She's quite mean to me but I don't mind

'Are you sure you really want to spend the rest of your life with him??'
'Well, yes. I love him.'
'Shut up! What do you know about love?'
I didn't answer.
'Do you realize who he is?'
'Yes, I know he is Sleep, the owner of dreams'
'He is also the owner of nightmares!'
'But he's only made me happy today.'
'Fine, suit yourself. But do you know you have to die?'
'Die?', I squeaked.

She laughed at me.
I realized that all this wasn't real.
It was what it was, a dream.
I had to wake up or my dreams would never really come through.
It was fun while it lasted.
I thanked her, my mean and wise subconscious.
Then I pinched myself.

I tried very hard,
gave it my best,
I even broke a sweat.
I traveled several miles.
I used my money and time.
My love and my smile.
I did it with the best intentions
but I got no reward for my ministrations
I got fake smiles and fake thank yous,

insults and put downs.
Where's the warm hug I thought I would get?
Where's the friend I thought I had in you?
Why are there tears of disappointment on my face?
What am I going to do?
I will smile and wipe my tears.
I will cry and face my fears.
What fears have I?
That I will be alone.
That you will leave me.
That you will make make me cry.
That you will hurt me.
But you cannot know for my pride is great.
So I will hold my head high and bear my fate
I will be strong and see your face
One more day, I say.
Maybe it's today.
I'll finally hear those words,
you'll say you love me,
even if it isn't true.
I'd rather tell myself this than accept the truth
That you don't love me and I don't love you
and I'm just scared to die alone

This was a very random poem inspired by my frustration at not getting a bedspace in my school. I'm actually single and not in love with anyone at the moment and I dunno where that part came from. But I love how it looks and feels. I hope you also do

This was at church on Sunday. I honestly wanted a few pictures but my friend's little sister had other plans...

And my personal favourite...
Wasn't I bothered by all those people? Nope. I just didn't care
                                 
After about 30 minutes of posing and sucking my tummy in, I was done! Those heels aren't high but they aren't the most comfortable. Thank you, Aijay for the bag, I LOVE it and it adds a nice pop of colour to my outfit, don't you agree? There are a lot more pictures but I don't want to bore you. Have a great week and don't forget to say cheese!

    Thank you to everyone who took their time and data or free Wi-Fi opportunities, whichever the case may be, to check out my blog. Thank you all so much for the wonderful feedback. After I published my first two posts, I started asking myself questions and wondering about the devil that pushed me. I felt like I had been too honest and I'd always felt like I wasnt a good writer. I needed a second opinion.
    I asked my close friends to read the blog posts and tell me what they thought. They said nice and encouraging things and I got excited then I decided to ask a few more people. I got almost the same replies. I decided another set of a-few-more people till I had asked almost everyone on my contact lists. I got basically the same replies with a few twitches here and there. All was good till I got it in my head that all those people somehow got together, connived and lied to me.

      It's a new year and ultimately, our lives must start again. For me, the holidays were a much needed break from all the drama and stress of school. It's nice to know I'm done with my first year and I came out in one piece. "Was it that bad?", you might ask. Yes! It was. Half the time, I was too happy and too hyper, while the other half, I was too reserved and too depressed. They say high school is hard. It is, till you get into college or a university.
      Being in a college or a university is very different from being in high school but it's really not that different. The main variation is the amount of freedom and then again, that really depends on the kind of parents you have. The awareness that no one back home knows what you're doing, and that you can't be punished or scolded. And then you go wild. If you're like me, you aren't really close to your parents and you don't have mentors or role models or the right guidance so it's easier to get lost. To fit in and flow with the river of sameness and unoriginality. Finding and extricating yourself is harder than getting in.
     I'd like to tell you a nice, interesting story of how I lost and found myself but sadly or maybe luckily, it didn't happen. I didn't go wild and start partying like crazy. I didn't become a first class bitch. Third class maybe. But almost never on purpose. Why?  because I was heart broken.
     Imagine a situation where your boyfriend or girlfriend dumps you on one day that was supposed to be a very important one for you, like your matriculation day. He or she is even supposed to be there with you and for you but you get a break up text.It shattered me though I never let on. I had friends and family to be there for and a life to live. Have you ever had to restrain yourself from crying in a public place? Like a bus. You really want to give in but you remember all those people around you and you realize you might become an overnight Youtube celebrity if you don't hold it. Tough choice, I know. But I didn't become a Youtube celebrity. Big girls don't cry.
    So I moved on from boy to boy to boy, desperately looking for love when it was with me all that time. Not in a boy but in my heavenly father. It's crazy how a few words from him can calm your worst fears. I'm not a perfect sister. I'm still a big work in progress but I realized that I had to wait for the love I was desperately searching for it would come at its time.
    It's a new year and I'm moving on, I'm growing and I will not follow the tide. I will be my awkward self even if I get laughed at or made fun of. Why should you be bothered by the opinions of people who don't care about you? The people you have to impress or look good for don't care.. except they're your boss,
    I'm writing from a place of pain but in that pain, I have peace because God loves me.
p.s I hope no one in my family reads this till I'm 50!

    "You're fatter." A phrase I'm getting accustomed to hearing. I'm also getting tired of it. Apart from the fact that it makes me flinch and say "ouch!", it's annoying. Just yesterday, I was reminded of how big I look by my best friend.
It's very easy to make harsh comments and feel like you're being helpful or honest but the truth hurts.     Especially when you're on the receiving end. I'm not being ungrateful, I know all those people mean well. So I say a very big thank you to everyone who has pushed me, without mercy I must say, towards my weight-loss journey.
    We all know that our society frowns upon fat or obese people. As girls, Our models of beauty are skinny, stick figured women, most with eating disorders, killer diets and killer heels. We all want to
be beautiful so we idolize them anyway. Did I mention that most of them aren't black? They don't have our abundance of melanin, our beautiful kinky hair, our fierce and formidable strength or our rich heritage.
   They don't have our unique beauty. We are clearly very different, so why are they more beautiful than me? Why is it that a light skinned girl who is "just pretty" gets more followers and likes than a dark skinned one in the same category. Dark skinned girls have to try harder, be bolder, or be models to get the same kind of recognition. But you can hardly be a model if you aren't skinny. So much prejudices against the ordinary girls like me who aren't gorgeously beautiful or skinny or light skinned.
    So what's a girl to do? Some take matters in their hands and bleach their skin. I'm sure we all know or have heard about that one girl who was as dark as night and is now as white as light or err.. snow. *sigh*. You can't walk into a beauty store today without your eyes being attacked by rows and aisles of bleaching creams or lightening solutions. Solutions to what problems?
I think it's funny how in music videos, our own artistes feel it's okay to use our nigerian girls for the twerking and club scenes but for the love and marriage scenes, they bring the fine, fair foreign girls in. This insinuates that we aren't beautiful enough for them to marry. I really think it's a horrible trend. We believe a lot of what we watch unconsciously whether we know it or not. A lot of teenage girls feel inferior because of their skin tone and the men and women they love and look up  to aren't helping.
   My "unskinny" sisters, my great size 10 to 20 fam, walk into clothing stores and find clothes that can't fit them or are aren't their style. Big girls need stylish clothes too. We need to feel beautiful and sexy and not so big. We need to look good so the first thing people notice isn't our tummies or our thick thighs but how beautiful God made us. By the way, I absolutely adore Meghan Trainor and her songs.
To my unskinny sisters, my size 10 to 20 fam, we have our veggie shakes, sport gear and long workouts to look forward to. Isn't that great? If you really want to lose weight, abandon us and join the skinny sisters fam, no problem. And if you don't, no problem. Just stay healthy and don't have heart disease.
    I am not against skinny girls. I have a particular skinny friend and after reading this post, she told me that she gets judged a lot just because she is super slim, So I put this in just for her. Skinny girls do eat, sometimes more than their unskinny sisters but they've been blessed to stay that way and we can't judge them for that.
   I believe there is beauty in every girl and every woman, black, white, yellow or green. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
  Happy new year.
Till someone calls me fat again, Sayonara!